I’ll take colonoscopies for 300 alex

The colonoscopy is a procedure used  to detect colon cancer primarily for people over 50.  It was developed in the 1960’s and so far the majority of colonoscopy patients are older than the procedure itself.  I am scheduled for my first colonoscopy tomorrow and today I begin taking the prep.  Here are some excerpts from the colonoscopy instructions I was given when I scheduled the procedure.  I was relieved to find out that these are not instructions for me to give myself a colonoscopy.

The Day before your Colonoscopy (Not words I ever wanted to apply to myself)

1. Drink only clear liquids all day: No solid food.

I began the clear liquids at dinner  last night.  I’m not sure why I did.  When I asked the nurse if I could do this, she commented that most patients want to know exactly how late the day before they can eat solid food.  I guess my reasoning had to do with 2 things: I) my competitive spirit.  My colleagues at work are participating in a biggest loser competition and are currently among the top teams.  I figure I could burn a few more calories on a liquid diet and help the team.  Help myself as well as I try to lose some real weight on a permanent basis.  II) To ease the effect the prep will have on my body later today.

APPROVED CLEAR LIQUIDS
Water, black coffee, black tea
strained fruit juices without pulp
clear broth or bouillon
Clear soft drinks
Kool-aid or lemonade or Gatorade
Plain Jell-O

Most of these lines are followed by still more restrictions: The coffee or tea cannot contain real or artificial cream.  The kool aid,  Gatorade or Jell-O cannot be red orange or purple.  While serving or eating the bouillon, no one is allowed to ask, ‘Who wants to be a bouillonaire?”.

2. Day before procedure: TAKE THE FIRST PART OF THE PREP



The prep is a powdery substance that when added with water and consumed flushes your colon as it passes through it.  The colon needs to be as clean of stool as possible so any abnormalities in the colon can be spotted during the colonoscopy.  You can flavor the prep with lemon or lime juice or sugarless powder drinks but again no red, orange or purple.  And it turns out Prep is an acronym for Pooping,  Really Excessive Pooping.  Well, now it’s an acronym.

You may start drinking the prep by noon or when you return home from work.

Oh, may I???!!!???

You will take 3/4 of the prep which is 12 of 16 glasses.

First of all, what happened to may?!!!? Secondly, I know what 3/4 of 16 is. The prep is flushing my colon, not my brain!

Try to drink an 8 oz glass every 20 to 25 minutes until  finished.

Try? As Yoda said before his first colonoscopy, there is no try, only poo. 

Bowel movements usually start within 1 to 2 hours after you begin drinking and continue for 1 to 2 hours after you finish.

I plan on starting the prep right around 5:00 and again at 5:25 and every 25 minutes after that. The fun should begin between 6 and 7 and end between 10:35 and 11:35, which is 2 hours after the last dose of the day.  What a nice way to spend an evening!

After you have finished you may have clear liquids until midnight. This will keep you hydrated.

If  you are so concerned about my hydration.  don’t put me on the pooping treadmill in the first place.

3.  Day of Procedure: Take the Second Part of the Prep..

At this point I’d like to thank  the instructions for not telling me what 1/4 of 16 is.  If you don’t think I can do fractions, it’s good to know  at least you think  I can handle subtraction. 

Sedation:
Before the procedure begins, an intravenous (IV) line will be started.  Your physician will determine the sedation medication to be given through this IV line.  Let your doctor know if you are allergic to any medications. 

I am not allergic to any medications ,but am severely allergic to pooping and being probed.  How come no one asked me about that?

Transportation Home:
Because of the medications you will be given during the procedure, you will need someone to drive you to the facility, stay in the building while you are having your procedure, then drive you home.  You will not be able to use a taxi or a bus.  The test may be cancelled if you don’t have a driver.  There will be no exceptions.

Awesome I’ll have my driver take the prep, she’ll be so sick, she won’t be able to drive.  and I won’t have to have the procedure.  I love loopholes.  (I guess no one should look for loop holes when their colon is being examined.  )

After The Colonoscopy:

You will need to rest.

Ya think??!!??

It is important for you to rehydrate after your procedure by drinking plenty of liquids.

Thanks for telling me.  I was going to rehydrate after my procedure by going on a hike in the desert.  Drinking plenty of liquids seems a much better way to do it.

That’s it for the instruction. Thanks for reading.  Like you, I hope everything comes out okay.

Note: No semicolons were used in the writing of this post.

 

Is listening the new reading?

I have finished 4 books this week, for a total of 6 books finished this year.  3 of the books I’ve “read” this week are audio books that I listened to mostly on my commutes to and from work and while walking on my breaks and lunches at work.  Does that count as reading?

The same app I got from the library that allows me to “check out” books and listen them on my iPhone also allows  me to check out books and read them on my iPhone.  I love the printed page and am not a big fan of too much screen time.  But it’s hard to argue against the utility of downloading books.  Now if I don’t read or listen to a downloaded book from my library it goes away in 28 days limiting my ability to lose or not return said books to the library.

So for now I am compromising, I am reading some books the old fashioned way and other books I am reading with my ears. To clarify, the old way I was still reading with my ears.  To cut them off and read without them would be almost unheard of.  Oh Van Gogh you didn’t!

Next Time:

I’ll take colonoscopies for 300 Alex.

Things that happen when you don’t own a washing machine

Since I just celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary, I have been thinking about the early years of our marriage. Amy and I lived in an apartment for the first 3 1/2 years of our marriage before buying our first house in fall of 2001. As I recall there was one washing machine and dryer in the basement, but most Saturday mornings we went to a local laundromat and did our laundry there.

Saturday was our day to sleep in so it was late morning when we’d get there and the ABC Saturday morning cartoons were usually on the television.  Most of the shows did not appeal to me, but there was a show called science court that caught my attention.  What I really liked was the mid-show between the show segment called see ya later estimator. It featured a cartoon character with a cartoon sock puppet called Hippy the Hip-hop hippo.  Years later when we had foster children living with us,  we got one boy a stuffed hippo and named him Hippy the Hip-hop Hippo,  which our foster son pronounced Ippy the Ip-Op Ippo.  Something he would have never been able to do, if, in our early years of marriage, we had owned a washing machine.

Next Time: Stepping into your comfort zone

Writers Write.

Hi.  My name is Dave and I used to write a blog called Home School Dad.  I was a full-time educator for 5 to 6 years and before I went back to the 9 to 5 grind, (It’s actually 7 to 5:30 4 days a week, but how much personal information do you really want from me?  Should I text you my ssn? BACK OFF!) I wrote regularly about my family, our journey, and many of my other interests.  Then I stopped.

That’s right, I pretty much stopped writing.  Sure for a year before I turned 50 I wrote a limerick a day and posted it on Facebook.  Yes, once a year at my  Crazy Uncle Dave’s sports blog, I cover Baseball’s hall of fame voting. I did participate in a to z blogging in April for a couple of years, and every 6 months or so, I try to work on the book idea I’ve had for almost 20 years  But the truth is writers write, fish swim and Facebook friends unfriend each other over trivial misunderstandings, so I need to get back on Facebook and start some useless arguments.  Sorry, not the point.  I need to write, and on a  daily basis, even though I have a rewarding, albeit challenging busy life.

I also need to read more. Reading informs and prepares the writer.  I have finished one book this year and that was on January 7th.  I need to make time in the day for it.  I mean how much Netflix can one guy watch?  That’s not a rhetorical question, I need answers!!!!

I’m not sure if this is where I’ll do most of my writing or just where I’ll keep people appraised of my accomplishments.  We shall see.

Next Time: Brain Storming in times of  Drought.