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I’ll take colonoscopies for 300 alex

The colonoscopy is a procedure used  to detect colon cancer primarily for people over 50.  It was developed in the 1960’s and so far the majority of colonoscopy patients are older than the procedure itself.  I am scheduled for my first colonoscopy tomorrow and today I begin taking the prep.  Here are some excerpts from the colonoscopy instructions I was given when I scheduled the procedure.  I was relieved to find out that these are not instructions for me to give myself a colonoscopy.

The Day before your Colonoscopy (Not words I ever wanted to apply to myself)

1. Drink only clear liquids all day: No solid food.

I began the clear liquids at dinner  last night.  I’m not sure why I did.  When I asked the nurse if I could do this, she commented that most patients want to know exactly how late the day before they can eat solid food.  I guess my reasoning had to do with 2 things: I) my competitive spirit.  My colleagues at work are participating in a biggest loser competition and are currently among the top teams.  I figure I could burn a few more calories on a liquid diet and help the team.  Help myself as well as I try to lose some real weight on a permanent basis.  II) To ease the effect the prep will have on my body later today.

Water, black coffee, black tea
strained fruit juices without pulp
clear broth or bouillon
Clear soft drinks
Kool-aid or lemonade or Gatorade
Plain Jell-O

Most of these lines are followed by still more restrictions: The coffee or tea cannot contain real or artificial cream.  The kool aid,  Gatorade or Jell-O cannot be red orange or purple.  While serving or eating the bouillon, no one is allowed to ask, ‘Who wants to be a bouillonaire?”.

2. Day before procedure: TAKE THE FIRST PART OF THE PREP

The prep is a powdery substance that when added with water and consumed flushes your colon as it passes through it.  The colon needs to be as clean of stool as possible so any abnormalities in the colon can be spotted during the colonoscopy.  You can flavor the prep with lemon or lime juice or sugarless powder drinks but again no red, orange or purple.  And it turns out Prep is an acronym for Pooping,  Really Excessive Pooping.  Well, now it’s an acronym.

You may start drinking the prep by noon or when you return home from work.

Oh, may I???!!!???

You will take 3/4 of the prep which is 12 of 16 glasses.

First of all, what happened to may?!!!? Secondly, I know what 3/4 of 16 is. The prep is flushing my colon, not my brain!

Try to drink an 8 oz glass every 20 to 25 minutes until  finished.

Try? As Yoda said before his first colonoscopy, there is no try, only poo. 

Bowel movements usually start within 1 to 2 hours after you begin drinking and continue for 1 to 2 hours after you finish.

I plan on starting the prep right around 5:00 and again at 5:25 and every 25 minutes after that. The fun should begin between 6 and 7 and end between 10:35 and 11:35, which is 2 hours after the last dose of the day.  What a nice way to spend an evening!

After you have finished you may have clear liquids until midnight. This will keep you hydrated.

If  you are so concerned about my hydration.  don’t put me on the pooping treadmill in the first place.

3.  Day of Procedure: Take the Second Part of the Prep..

At this point I’d like to thank  the instructions for not telling me what 1/4 of 16 is.  If you don’t think I can do fractions, it’s good to know  at least you think  I can handle subtraction. 

Before the procedure begins, an intravenous (IV) line will be started.  Your physician will determine the sedation medication to be given through this IV line.  Let your doctor know if you are allergic to any medications. 

I am not allergic to any medications ,but am severely allergic to pooping and being probed.  How come no one asked me about that?

Transportation Home:
Because of the medications you will be given during the procedure, you will need someone to drive you to the facility, stay in the building while you are having your procedure, then drive you home.  You will not be able to use a taxi or a bus.  The test may be cancelled if you don’t have a driver.  There will be no exceptions.

Awesome I’ll have my driver take the prep, she’ll be so sick, she won’t be able to drive.  and I won’t have to have the procedure.  I love loopholes.  (I guess no one should look for loop holes when their colon is being examined.  )

After The Colonoscopy:

You will need to rest.

Ya think??!!??

It is important for you to rehydrate after your procedure by drinking plenty of liquids.

Thanks for telling me.  I was going to rehydrate after my procedure by going on a hike in the desert.  Drinking plenty of liquids seems a much better way to do it.

That’s it for the instruction. Thanks for reading.  Like you, I hope everything comes out okay.

Note: No semicolons were used in the writing of this post.